THIS SHOULD COME WITH A WARNING THAT SAYS PROCEED WITH CAUTION OR PORTIONS LARGER THAN ACTUAL PHOTO9/16/2013 The Duck Logic Warehouse is proud to announce new items available at our rural outpost in the heartland.
We're proud to announce a new gospel collection of sacred hymns from PrayTel called Puttin On The Hymns. You'll get standards like "He walks with me, and he talks with me, and sometimes I just need alone time", "Amazing Graceland", and "Jesus Loves Me This I Know or at Least Am Reasonably Sure Of At The Moment." These songs could cost as much as five dollars if you went to enough consignment stores, but we've put them altogether in one set for 9.99 with a free picture of my sister when she had to wear a neck brace. Kids are excited about Stabby Things, the fun dart game that always leaves Mom looking for iodine and bandages and kids wondering how they lost that finger in the first place. Now just 9.99 with purchase of Camp Stamps, kids tatoos that let everyone know what you did this summer if you aren't afraid to wear it on your neck, or someplace a lot lower,for the rest of your life. Finally, enjoy a pack of Ticorette gum, for Tourette's Syndrome Children who just can't help letting loose with a string of profanity when it's least expected and poorly timed. The Duck Logic Warehouse, where you save money, and we save face, for now. Jean, here with another way of looking at life From A Mothers' Perspective. I have had the most wonderful summer hiatus at the Betty Ford Clinic. Oh, it's not what you think. I was taking a sabbatical from my readers to catch up with all the wonderful stories of the people who are legally forced to spend three months of their life in what I can only describe as a cross between the local welcome wagon and those that should be on the wagon. Like, my stripper daughter-in-law. But more on that later.
Betty Ford Clinic is covered by most insurance plans so you know it's good. The help is only slightly more bitter than my son's three children after a lifetime of neglect and modern parenting. There are flowers on the tables, fresh cookies in the afternoons, and plenty of time to get to know how to use group therapy and I -statements. I need to say that I was pleasantly surprised to see my stripper daughter-in-law there for something that should have been addressed in her twenties. Anyway, we all have our daddy issues and she's no different. I am just so glad I can report to you wonderful readers of this blog, that there is a place that takes care of things when you decide that Jim Beam and Zoloft are daily dance partners. I'm talking to you, stripper daughter-in-laws' biological mother. That's just a small picture of what I investigated over the summer at Betty Ford Clinic. It seems that there is this thing called confidentiality that makes normal human communication impossible without a bunch of lawyers getting involved. Next time, I tell you how to have fun with your grandchildren with just a screw driver and some basic fossil fuels. Well I'm getting a whole lot less "are you really a sasquatch" questions, so thank you for that, but now there seems to be a preponderance of questions about the term "sasquatch." Maybe I should have listened to my agent and just gone with "Dear Bigfoot," but dammit, I'm proud to be a sasquatch! So here goes… My favorite yeti! Dear Sasquatch My friend says that a group of you would still be called "sasquatch," I say the plural is "sasquatches." Which one of us wins the steak dinner? - HUNGRY AND WAITING Dear Hungry, Actually they call us "Sasqueetch," when we're grouped together. Sorry, my idea of a joke. Heh, heh. The truth is that while either is acceptable, the most commonly used form by a far is "sasquatches," which is also a lot more fun to say. So get your bib ready, that free steak dinner is yours. And I know where you can get a killer tofu steak, if you're interested. Just sayin'. – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – Dear Sasquatch,
In your first column you said your people like the term "sasquatch" over "bigfoot." But what about "yeti?" Is that "pc" or "verboten?" - PREFERS CORRECTNESS Dear Correctness, "Yeti" is plenty "pc," if your'e a yeti. I do have some relatives that are yetis, but me, I'm a sasquatch. Yetis are usually found in the Himalayas and are often partially to all-white. Basically it's like this: a sasquatch is to a bigfoot, what a yeti is to an abominable snowman. Some of my relatives are hard to hang out with, but they're not abominable. And while I'm sure you meant it with the best of intentions, none of us are "people." It's really easy, say it with me now, "sass---qwat---chh", there, I knew you could do it. Ed. Note: If you've got some thing you like to ask our sasquatch just visit our CONTACT page and address your question to "Dear Sasquatch!" Sy, your Hi-Fi Guy with another Record Collection Selection. This time I'm gonna talk about A Holiday in Mexico. You might think Mexican music started and stopped with Selena Gomez or that jalapeno pepper, Shakira, but it actually started with this album that was recorded in Old Mexico, so you know it's the real thing and not something made in China.
This album has big hats, big pony tails, and guitars so big you need a friend to strum from the other side. By the way, want a little inside dirt? All of the songs were recorded by Herb Alpert, Trini Lopez, and Charo with no over dubs, and according to El Guapo Tecate the engineer, nobody expected this album to get the kind of reaction that has made it a must for Cinquanierras or whatever they call that little Mexican kid birthday thing. A Holiday in Mexico. You'll want to spend more than just one holiday in Mexico once you listen to this never out of date seventy eight! Next time: a look inside the world of movies and music. Until then, I'll be the guy with the cool Hi-Fi, giving some groovy tune the what for and the who knows why. Unpopular Joker Impersonator, Chad Lewis, was surprised to find out that his uncanny resemblance to Heath Ledger's iconic villain is not always a good thing. It seems the local police force in Fort Wayne, Indiana couldn't help themselves when Chad showed up at a lightly attended Comic Convention in full regalia spouting such popular lines like "Why so serious?", "Why would I want to kill you?" and "You had me at hello", which we're pretty sure is not a Joker line at all.
Ted May, police spokesman, laughed when asked why the Fort Wayne force immediately arrested Chad and held him overnight without bail: " Look at that kid, I mean what if that was your son? You'd do the same thing for the good of the kid and the rest of society." Chad was not deterred by the arrest: "It's not every day you get arrested for the hell of it, and I can't say it hurt my bookings. I'm playing the Joker for these same police at a charity event next weekend. I plan on debuting my nurse Joker bit that is mixed with a little tribute to nurses in general. You have to see it to believe it. I take you to places the real joker would never go, because he was a sociopath and really horrid at interacting with his audience." Chip Kooter with another story from the wonderful town of Kooterville. I want to tell you about Wandering Willie Wilson, the only cab driver in Kooterville.
Wandering Willie can make a trip to the doctor's office seem like a road trip to the family cabin. I tell you Willie wouldn't know east from west and north from south, if he didn't have a GPS system known as his harried wife, Wanda, sitting in the front seat pointing him in the right direction. One time Wandering Willie took a customer full circle back to his house and only charged the guy an extra ten dollars more for the trouble. That customer didn't even complain to the cab company because Willie took the scenic route, which in Willie's mind is every route that involves his cab passing by Kooterville landmarks like street signs, schools, local businesses, and the actual destination of his customer. If Willie had a tip for every time he took somebody to the right place he would not be working as a cab driver. Next week, I'm going to introduce you to Ira Novos, the owner of The Comedy Closet and , also, Kooterville's Skittish Mayor. Until next time, laugh at the world before it laughs at you or at least somebody who looks alot like you. |
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